What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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