Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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