Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
