Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
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My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
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