mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
