I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
