I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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