The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
