You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
