We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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