1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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