Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
