I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
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