Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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