i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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