clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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