I CAN MOONWALK!
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
