the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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