The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
