I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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