the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
