apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
