I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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