Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
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