I cannot find my penis.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
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What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
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I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
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