someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
