you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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