im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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