yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
