I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
