I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I booty called her while she was in labor.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
