I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
