I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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