I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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