i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
