I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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