Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
