I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
