The maid of honor just puked.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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