What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
