you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
