I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
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so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
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we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
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