Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
