My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
