I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
