you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
