I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
