My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
