He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
