i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
