Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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