The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
