Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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